Do not say the first thing that comes into your head, but think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering. • Listen, too, to the reasoning behind someone’s anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your significant other wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, do not retaliate by painting your partner as a jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your neck. • It is natural to get defensive when you are criticized, but do not fight back. Instead, listen to what is underlying the words: the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. • It may take a lot of patience and questioning on your part. It may also require some breathing space, but do not let your or your partner’s anger make the discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can prevent the situation from becoming a disastrous one. 5. Using Humor • Humor can help diffuse the rage in a number of ways. • It can help you get a more balanced perspective • Do this whenever a name comes to mind about another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will take some edge off your fury and humor can always be relied on to help unknot a tense situation. Training Module on the Right to Mental Health for the Security Sector • o When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to them using a creative phrase, stop and picture what the word would literally look like. o If you are at work and you think of a co-worker as a “dirtbag” or a “singlecell life form,” for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleague’s desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings. 6. Changing Your Environment • Sometimes it is our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the “trap” you seem to have fallen into and all the people and things that form that trap. • Give yourself a break. Make sure you have “personal time” scheduled within the times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. • One example is the working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes, “Nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on fire.” After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids without blowing up at them. 28